5 Things to Consider When Feeling Down About Being Single
Whether by choice or by circumstance, being single brings about its own set of struggles; especially in the circus that is the New York City dating scene. It’s perfectly normal to be frustrated with being single, and admittedly there are times when I catch myself saddened by my own pity party of one.
When feeling down about my single status, I consider the following 5 thoughts:
1. Always thank the one that left you, the one that did your dirty work.
Sometimes it takes someone else leaving you, because you would have never left otherwise.
In a personal example: A few years ago, I was living with an ex, who ultimately ended things, despite equal unhappiness in our relationship. Blinded by comfort, I became settled in our sadness, not strong enough to end things myself. We had been together for so long, that I was crippled by the thought of starting over to lead a life without him.
But now, I am so grateful my ex dumped me, because it gave me the opportunity to chase my own happiness; something I may have never done otherwise.
For the relationships that end amicably, and of course, the hardest ones that don't - be grateful that you are out! It may be a painful break in the moment, but who knows how much longer you might have stayed, and how unhappy you may have become.
2. Be the person you are seeking in your significant other.
I have a pretty steep set of qualifying criteria for my ideal someone. In general, I’d like to be with someone who leads a healthy lifestyle, yet loves to drink…a lot…and frequently…but within control and reason; a hard ask by itself. Let’s also add that I’d like to be with someone who can make me laugh, who is smart, attractive, kind, positive, ambitious, and successful. In general, I think the “checklists” we project onto our potential partners are really the characteristics we secretly admire in ourselves, or believe we outwardly exhibit.
I encourage you to ask yourself the following questions: “Would you want to date yourself right now?” “Are you your ideal you?” Regardless of how things may appear to others on paper, or in plain sight, these questions solely depend on one’s internal view of themselves. Happiness is an inside job, and if you are not who or where you want to be in your life, adding someone else into the picture wouldn't make things any better.
Additionally, chances are that the person who embodies the characteristics you desire, is also seeking someone with similar criteria. Remember that being single is just a chance to better yourself, because you are who you attract.
3. Cherish your independence.
I think this is especially important for those currently without children. Oftentimes, especially when I find myself overwhelmed, I try to choose what would make me happiest, and what I would genuinely prefer in that moment. However, that mindset in relationships, is considered selfish, and it is….in relationships. However, there is something beautifully freeing about the ability to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, at all times.
Complete independence is the biggest blessing of being single, and can manifest itself in a variety of ways: from a small decision to stay in a weekend night for some “me” time, even when your friends are harassing you to come out; to a larger, and more spontaneous decision, like taking an international trip strictly of your own agenda. There is nothing holding you back from doing anything you want to do, at the exact time you want to do it when you are single.
Personal, familial, and work obligations can be overwhelming in themselves at times, but piling on those of a partner? Realistically, it could be months before you find a date that works for both of you to take a trip together! In singleness, you will find that saying “yes” to doing the things you previously never considered, allows for some of life’s most amazing experiences and memories; you should consider yourself lucky for these opportunities.
4. Don’t Settle. Promise yourself that you will never settle for someone who doesn't deserve you, because you deserve better.
Although you may feel frustrated or lonely, never settle for someone who doesn't give you what you want and need in a relationship. Above that, be with someone who wildly exceeds any preconceived expectations of the way they love you.
I have a friend (cough, my sister, cough), who is a voracious reader of…vampire fiction. While slightly embarrassed on her behalf, I know she wouldn't mind my sharing her love for these books, because she is courageously unapologetic about who she is, and what she likes; a quality I very much admire in her.
Case and point of not settling: a former flame of my sister’s once put body glitter in his beard, to emulate the way a vampire’s skin glistens in the sun. Say what you will, but that is commitment! My sister and I both still find it hard to believe that someone did that for her, but we never once questioned if it was something she deserved, because she absolutely does. I think we all deserve someone who will step outside with sparkles in their beard for us, and the only thing getting in the way of our having that, is settling for someone else beforehand.
5. Have Fun.
Don't talk yourself into it, don’t think about it, don’t do anything but actually be present in each and every moment. In the sacred words of Gossip Girl, “…you will never be more beautiful, or thin, or happy than you are right now…make the most of it.” It’s corny, but it’s true! Don’t let yourself get in the way of a good time!
Despite being “single and ready for a Pringle” (whatever that really means), I’ve definitely stayed in because I fell victim to my own insecurities, letting them take the reign over my ability to have a good time. The more time I’ve spent solo, the more I’ve realized how little the petty thoughts matter. You do not have to be the prettiest, best dressed, smartest, coolest, etc., person at the party, to be the life of the party! Energy and aura is way more attractive to others than any way you look, and as long as you release your inhibitions, there is nothing stopping you from having way more fun than anyone in a relationship is having!
Being a single individual has its pits, and its perks, but remember these 5 things when it seems more difficult to stay the course. Always remember that you are a gem, and you deserve someone who really makes you sparkle!